Sloopy Dippindoodle (darkbeethoven) wrote in naughty_things,
Sloopy Dippindoodle

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Dear World, Christmas is cancelled...

I have been watching you very closely to see if you've behaved this year
and since you have I will be telling my elves, if I can find them, to
make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas if I can
get there. I intended to bring you all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but we are having a bit of a problem with that plan as the 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD apparently from fiddling with the 11 ladies dancing. And we just discovered while we were distracted attending to the fiddlers and their no longer dancing ladies. the damn 10 lords leaping
were instead stealthfully tip-toeing around and have now knocked up the 8 maids a-milking. I just got off the phone with the police department, who asked me if I'd care to come down and make bail for the 9 pipers piping who were arrested in the park for doing weird things to the 7 swans a-swimming in broad daylight. The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves and the partridge in a pear tree have me up in deep bird doo
doo up to the top of my boots and I doubt I can get my sled runners movin' out of all that frozen bird shit. On top of all this, Mrs. Claus is going through menopause and refuses to make me any cookies or let me anywhere near her milk jugs. To top it off, 8 of my reindeer are in heat and have somehow gotten completely entangled in the harnesses and rheins attempting some artic
orgy last night and it's going to take forever to free them. The crazy elves have joined the gay liberation army in England that was started by some retired dwarfs that had been used for bowling balls in the pubs a few times too often and have been left with deminished sexual abilities, so they practice oral sex ... they talk about having it. And some nuts, people who obviously can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January. Maybe next year I'll be able to get my act together and bring you some of the things you want. This year I suggest you get your ass down to
Walmart before everything is gone.


Santa Claus

(x-posted all over the place)
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